The system isn’t broken - but its people are

One third of birthing parents has a traumatic birth.

“The system is broken.”

One in 8 new parents enters parenthood with postpartum PTSD from the experience.

“The system is broken.”

Depending on where you live, one third, one half, or almost everyone has a surgical birth.

“The system is broken.”

One in 6 women are abused during their births.

“The system is broken.” 

If we say it enough, we might believe it. However, the “system” is decidedly NOT broken. It is doing exactly what it was set up to do by any means available to it.

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Birth Hijacked – The Ritual Membrane Sweep

I’ve written about many topics over the years but nothing has ever generated as much discussion, opposition, and vitriol as challenging the cherished routine membrane sweep/stripping, aka stretch-and-sweep. A few years ago, I wrote a post about how I’d like to see the routine, prior-to-40-weeks, without-medical-indication membrane sweep banned from obstetrical and midwifery practice. I talked about its risks and the fact that the clients I worked with called it a sexual assault when done without consent

The post went viral and I received hate messages and emails from around the world defending this procedure. In general, the sentiment was that I should most definitely be having sexual relations with myself, after which, I should be locked up and forever silenced. I also heard from hundreds of women whose births were ruined by days of painful, non-progressing contractions triggered by a membrane sweep that ended up in a fully medicalised all-the-interventions arrival for their baby that they didn’t want. And horrifically, even more hundreds wrote to share their stories of non-consenting, painful, and violating membrane sweeping when there was no reason for it, aside from the care provider’s decision that they had agency over their patient’s vagina and could do what they wanted when they wanted.

So what is it about membrane sweeping that is so cherished that challenging it generates death threats?

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On the Art of Discussing Paradigm-Shifting Topics

Everyone has an intellectual/mental/emotional operating system – a personal paradigm that serves as a frame of reference containing basic assumptions and ways of thinking. This personal paradigm is the means by which we make sense of the world around us. It helps us to filter, understand, and categorise information and experiences. It helps us to know what is “true” and what isn’t; it guides our responses and our actions.

Humans are designed to be in connection with each other. We operate mostly unconsciously through hormones, synapses, and other magical pathways. Our primary operating system is our para-sympathetic nervous system – our “calm and connected” system. This part of our autonomic nervous system keeps our hearts beating, our lungs breathing, and our food digesting. The main hormone of this system is oxytocin – the hormone of love, trust, bonding, and connection. This is why isolation is so effective at crushing and changing people, and why friends and loved ones can heal and nurture new ideas.

Personal paradigms, once settled and serving us reasonably well are most likely to be changed by 2 things: Great Suffering or Great Love.

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Me too

Recently, #metoo went viral as hundreds of thousands of women, and some men, said “me, too, I’ve been sexually harassed, assaulted or violated”. There were stories told for the first time. There were experiences re-told through a stronger voice. And in private forums, women told of rapes, childhood molestation, being drugged, and more. Some couldn’t post “me too” on their social media stories because they didn’t want their parents to know, believed they were partly to blame, or felt it was too exposing. One woman said she didn’t want the world to know she was “weak”. When asked, she said she wasn’t strong enough to fight off her attacker and she felt ashamed for it.

There were waves of trauma as some survivors found it too overwhelming to see the hundreds of #metoo’s across their news feeds and had to disconnect until it passed. It was not comforting to know they were not alone. It was horrifying.

And this isn’t just an issue of female looking or female identifying individuals being sexually violated. Men and boys are also sexually assaulted. Yet, from a cultural perspective, the response is different. Males are not told that “boys will be boys” or "girls will be girls" and they just normally like to grope and grab and hump and fondle males. Males are rarely depicted being sexually assaulted in music videos as a form of entertainment. They are not routinely asked what they were wearing, if they were out alone, if they went to a party, or if they were drinking. As a culture, we don’t victim blame males to the same extent that we victim blame females.

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The Textbook is Wrong

We were sitting across her kitchen table. A tissue was being nervously mangled in her trembling hands.

“I just can’t do it again,” she said.  “Can you tell me about your daughter’s birth,” I asked her?

She explained that everyone told her it was a good birth. Her doctor said it was textbook perfect. Her mother was there and repeated her version of her granddaughter’s birth to everyone who would listen. It was natural. It was quick. It was the best day ever.

And as the story unfolded, tears welled up in my eyes, finally spilling down my own cheeks. It was an awful experience. And my heart broke into pieces again.

She described a birth where she was tortured with screamingly painful vaginal exams, weeping for them to stop, thrashing to escape the confines of the hospital bed where she was tethered to the monitoring machine for policy’s sake, begging to stand up, move, sway, anything to cope with her rapidly advancing labour. Her voice buried under a gentle shush so as not to scare the other mothers.

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